On May 22, 2016 my husband and I celebrated ten years of marriage.  This is reason to celebrate!!  We have not made it this far without a lot of hard work, but there have been so many blessings along the way.  This is a poem/song I wrote for him the day before our anniversary.

Ten years ago tomorrow

I pledged my love and devotion

To you my love, my gift from God

As we stood beside the ocean.

I pledged never to leave or wander

From you

I believe the word I used

Was squander - you.

And in my young 22 years

I knew

I meant it true.

Since then I have squandered

Many moments meant for glory

Tiny portions of our story

I have been less than all I promised

And then sometimes more

And less again

But these pieces that we've woven

Some rough some smooth

Have proven

To be the very fabric 

Of this life our God has given.

Through prayers He has bestowed

A gift on us His chosen

Call it blessing call it curse 

Whatever it is we know to be work

And joy and peace and fullness

And pain and freedom and life

It has been nothing wasted

Nothing lost

Nothing, nothing, nothing but the most abundant ten years of my 32.

Today I pledge to you again

My husband, love and closest friend,

To never squander all we have

The ups the downs the ebbs and flows.

I pray we take the tapestry 

we have begun

And keep on going until our days here on Earth are done.

Jesus help us love you

And each other more fully

And bless the marriage you created

So we may bless our family.

As we’re going along

Sometimes it seems we’re 

Stumbling more than striding

But looking back we realize

It's more like we were flying.

Beginning the Homeschooling Journey...

Not too long ago, my husband and I decided that we are going to homeschool our oldest next year for kindergarten.  This decision did not come lightly.  It came with much prayer and searching our hearts and our goals and our motives.  It came by truly looking deeper and trusting God more.  It came with patience and waiting.  God answered us and brought us to a place as husband and wife where we knew without a doubt that this is the direction He wants us to go.  It's scary for so many reasons, but also really exciting.  We have so much peace about it because we know God has caused us to take this path, and that He is in control of it all.  I can't wait to see what the future holds.

This has been a rough time for me.  Some conflicts have arisen for me in a couple places in my life, and I have been desperately seeking the Lord in my circumstances, and clinging to His Word in search of answers for myself and my life.  I believe I am in the thick of it right now, and God is working a great work in me.  So far it has not been easy, but through it I am learning so much and I believe I am being freed of some strongholds in my life that needed to be destroyed.

In the midst of all this, I had a thought about how we live these days, with access to so much.  Be it media or things, or technology or information, or even activities and sometimes even people, we can fill our lives with so much that it is easy to distract ourselves from God.

I think Satan planned it this way.  I mean it all seems so innocent, and before you know it, your life is so busy, that you have not time for God.  The enemy knows that if we want something and we have the resources to get it, we probably will.  But, my Dad used to say, "Everything you own, owns a piece of you".  Sure, wanting to own things isn't a sin, but everything you own takes time and thought to first want it, figure out how to get it, decide where to put it, keep it clean, maintain it.  In one way or another it takes up space in your mind - space that could be God's.  The same goes for positions we hold at work or church, or time we spend on the Internet or watching TV.  The truth is, when you're trying to do it all, something is going to give.  God isn't going to compete for your attention.  He is always there, but we have to make Him a priority.

God knows the plans of the deceiver, and that's why He gives us His word to prevent us from falling for these tricks.  Psalm 119:37 says, "Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word."  God knows that if we look to things that are of no Heavenly value, we will be distracted from paying attention to God's word and we'll fall into darkness.  Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will".  How do you transform your mind?  Be immersed in scripture!  How do you get immersed in scripture?  Put down the remote (or the iPhone) and pick up the Bible.  Stop picking up a million toys scattered all over, and pick up the Bible.  

I recently have been finding out what all this means.   

Proverbs 19:22 tells us: "What a person desires is unfailing love, better to be poor than a liar".  One of my favorite teachers, Beth Moore recently enlightened me on this scripture.  I my own words, she said that we all desire unfailing love (which can only come from God) but we will try to fill our "God-shaped hole" with other things if we don't let God fill it.  If we are filling ourselves up with money, things, or anything that distracts us from God, then we are lying to ourselves and everyone else and saying that we don't need God.

Romans 12:2

New International Version (NIV)

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Psalm 119:37 Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.

1Timothy 6:10 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Proverbs 19:22 22 
What a person desires is unfailing love[a];
    better to be poor than a liar.
My daughter turns three next week. As I was reading my two-year-old "The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Things" before her nap today, I noticed the Bible verse in the beginning that read, "Turn my eyes away from worthless things".

Truth

I'm exhausted, and my husband and I are fighting, and the house is a mess, and I have acne, and my hair hasn't been done in 6 months, and this is my life, and I love it.

Before I got married I was a party girl.  In fact, I was on a mission to party as much as I could as often as I could.  I barely took care of myself, and barely had any responsibilities.  Fast-forward to today and I'm married with two kids under the age of three, and sometimes it feels like I'm still living the same life, except I wake up at 5 am instead of going to bed at 5 am, I drink way too much coffee rather than cocktails, and I find myself dancing to kids' music instead of club music.  But there's very little sleep, a good amount of puke, and a lot of nights that I hit the pillow without washing off my makeup... or brushing my teeth.  I went from no responsibilities to a plethora of responsibilities, and my life is still not together.

Recently, my husband and I have been at each other (and not in the good way) more than often, and it seems like even when we are enjoying each other's company, we are so tired that we can't even get through the first half of a movie without falling asleep - another similarity to my past party lifestyle - passing out.  We see each other in the house between diaper changes and we give each other the "I'm exhausted" look far too often.  It's like we're frat parents of a fraternity that only has two members, but they're actually girls - ages 2 and 13 months -  and they don't ever leave to go to class.

I am a stay-at-home mom and my hubby works long hours at his job, and we are both first-born, driven perfectionists that tend to lean toward wanting to control our environments 100% of the time.  Oh how we clash with parenthood at times... I feel as though I never stop cleaning, feeding, changing, wiping, scolding, cooking, dressing, and scolding again, and changing and wiping and cleaning again.  Just when it seems like I got it together or figured something out (like potty training), it all falls apart and pokes me in my forehead with an indignant, "Nope!"  And I'm back to it.  Then, just when I think I might implode, my darling husband walks in the door, equally as worn out from his day, and it's DINNERTIME.  We are all lucky if I have had enough fore-thought to prepare something, and we're even luckier we have an oven that I can throw a frozen pizza into when I haven't.  Everybody is hungry and mildly cranky, and hubby and I have our brave faces on.  We just have to make it to bedtime.  When I was a party girl, I just had to... uh... buy beer?

But it's not all bad.  Among all the "ings" there's also a good bit of laughing, playing, smiling, hugging, praising, clapping, jumping, reading, a little bit of crying, and a lot of praying.  One huge difference between my life now and when I was partying is that I have a goal now.  A purpose.  I have given my life to the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords.  I have submitted to the God who gave His only son that I (and everyone else) might have eternal life.  I am destined for Heaven.  The only reason that any of this works and I didn't give up long ago, is God.  He is the reason I press forward.  He is the love I need when I have none left.  He is the strength I have when I could collapse.  He is the reason I have to repent every day of my sin and the reason I am here today.  Without Him I could do nothing.

What a beautiful mess we are.  I am.  My marriage is.  Nothing is perfect except for God.  My hair has such bad roots, that someone complimented me on my "ombre" the other day.  I'm about to turn 30, and I still have acne.  I sometimes worry that someone is going to stop by and actually want to come in my house, and then leave thinking I'm a hoarder because of all the clutter.  But we are so blessed.  We have each other and we have our faith in God.  He has given us something so special and wonderful, and we had to do nothing for it.  It's hard work to keep up with this life and it's entirely worth it.  And hey, I'm still the life of the party - I just have a reason to celebrate now.

God's Lessons in Nature

I often find so much solace in nature, because I know it is so beautiful because it is created by God.  We went to Shell Beach today in Sonoma County, CA.  The walk out to the beach was a little tedious with two small children.  Andy had the one year old in a backpack, and I was charged with the 3 year old.  It was a beautiful time, filled with tide pools and starfish.  On the way back from the beach, I was helping my 3 year old up the steep and narrow stairs, which I knew were very dangerous if one of us slipped.  I carried her where I could but other parts I made her walk, while holding her hand so tightly and basically making her move forward.  The word that came to my mind was "compel".  Every time she would slip, I would compensate by pulling up on her so she wouldn't fall.  As I was "compelling" her up the hill, it occurred to me that this is much like what my Heavenly Father does for me - takes me by my hand and pushes me along, holding on so tight that if I slip He makes up for it.  I thought little more of it until we got home and then later when everyone was asleep, my meditation on how powerful this analogy was began.  It IS the story of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I looked up "compel" in the Bible, and found 2 Corinthians 5:14, which reads in the NIV: "For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died."  Christ's love compels us.  And I was thinking about the path we were on, this steep and narrow path... and I found Matthew 7:14- "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."  And then, as I was even writing these very words, I realized on this path I was pushing my beloved daughter along because I knew where we were going even though it was not an easy path.  We had to go home.  I had to push her along so she didn't get distracted along the way, looking back to the place that she had so enjoyed.  But when she slipped, I compensated for her and caught her.  And when the path was too difficult, I carried her.  But I was never going to let her fall.  Isn't this what Christ does for us?  It's called grace.  It's a beautiful place to live!  God gave Jesus to us to sacrifice His life for us, so that we never have to fall again.  When we walk with Christ, this is what He does for us.  But... we have to trust Him.  I think the times we fall are when we don't trust Him and we resist His guiding hand.  And I can tell you this, if my daughter had resisted me today, I would have spanked her little bottom, because it was imperative that she behave on that hill or she could have been seriously injured.  Doesn't God do this for us?  Discipline us when we need it?  After all, He alone knows how dangerous the hill is.  

There's probably so much more to this experience that could be parallelled to the Gospel story.  I pray Lord, that I get everything from this as you want me to understand.  Thank you for real-life application and teaching through my life as a mother.  

1 Timothy 2:15

New International Version (NIV)

15 But women[a] will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.